This is my favorite Phish song. It has been a slow progression, but I have become a Phish fan almost by osmosis because Bub is such a huge fan! Today is not my day to wax and wan about Phish because I have lots of opinions but, this song- it was love at first sound with song. Take a second, listen to it. “I turn my face to the howlin’ wind- it took me a long time to get back on the train.”
I love this song because it speaks to lots of areas of my life and lots of eras in my life. Today I want to talk about what it means in relation to my issues with my body image, the numbers on the scale, and my eating habits.
I am pretty comfortable saying this is the body God gave me and it is what I have to work with. I am also pretty comfortable saying that the most valuable part of me is my soul and my outside is just a vessel for my soul. I have a great soul.
That being said, my soul’s vessel is and has been my entire life, a work in progress. I was a large person the first 22 years of my life. And I was Uber aware of it. But, really did nothing about it. And then I stumbled upon an Adderall prescription. In about 4 months I probably lost 50-75 pounds. I have no idea because I never got on a scale- ever. My sorority sisters thought I had a cocaine problem- I didn’t, I was using her prescription sister, Adderall.
The problem with Adderall was that not only did I not eat, but I did not sleep either. And that horrible combo transformed me into a raging bitch. So, there came a point that had to end. Drug abuse is never the correct (weight loss) answer- ever. And for the next 5 years I probably fluctuated up and down 20 pounds. And one New Year’s I realized that the only jeans I could get into were my fat jeans, so that kicked off a season of calorie counting.
When I started walking to and from class at Auburn I got down to my smallest weight in my life. My closest friends & I thought I had a thyroid problem. Nope- just being more conscious of what I was eating and exercising 4-5 days a week. By exercising I mean walking to class. It was during this time that I met Bub. I can remember thinking- if I gain a pound, will he still find me attractive much less still love me?
See, as a young overweight person, it was grilled into me that being overweight was very unattractive and my mind went ahead and connected the dots- unattractive meant no one would ever love me. Isn’t that cute? Yeah, I still wrestle with that and I am now married to a man who would love me and find me attractive no matter my size. At the very end of the day, the person who needs to love me and find me attractive no matter my size is me.
So. That brings me to now. I believe at the end of my pregnancy I was close to the weight I was when I started taking Adderall almost 15 years ago. I don’t know if I will ever be as small as I was when I met Bub- that’s okay. I don’t think I was comfortable in my skin then. But, I am not the size I want to be either. I really just want to get comfortable in my skin.
I believe I made it fairly clear earlier this week, but if I did not- I have fallen off the wagon on many fronts including my diet and exercise. I am not saying that we ate complete garbage all summer but I am saying that there was more garbage in my diet than needs to be. And the only exercise I did all summer was nothing. However, I have brushed myself off and gotten back on the wagon!
Bub and I started a 24 Day Challenge September 1 as a stepping stool back to our regularly scheduled healthy lifestyle. This time, we have also created a Facebook page to draw back the curtains and invite an audience to watch. We decided that we would be less likely to slip if we knew we obligated ourselves to share what we are doing with a group of people on Facebook. It is a space of nothing but positivity- if you see that we (I) have slipped, I ask that you encourage us (me) to make better choices next time rather than berate us (me) because we(I) don’t respond well to being berated. (Who does?) You can find the page here: https://www.facebook.com/bertandcawellnessjourney Bub and I would love for you to join us there.
Now, you know how I love to set goals– so, I have set a goal. When I met and married Bub I inherited an awesome set of friends. One of set of these friends was vacationing down here last summer when the dude announced he had just gone to the doctor and the doctor said he needed to loose some weight. Bub and I said, do a 24 Day Challenge (duh!) so, both he and the wifey signed on and did one together and when it was done, they stayed on product. A year later, they were back down here vacationing and have lost a combined 80-85 pounds and not only do they look fantastic, they feel fantastic. Maggie, the wifey, was in a bikini for the first time since 6th grade! I tell you all this because next summer I want to look and feel fantastic in my bathing suit!
You are totally inspirational! xoxox
Thanks Laura! I totally appreciate it.